Helping a parent put their affairs in order, without taking over

The short answer

You can help by sitting beside your parent and typing what they tell you. The helper types. Your parent decides what is written, what is left out, and when to stop.

This is for recording your own affairs, at your own pace. Nobody should fill it in for you, or press you to, without your agreement.

Before you begin

• Ask first. The record is your parent's own. It is made only with your parent present and agreeing.
• Use your parent's own device if you can, not a shared or public computer. What is typed stays on that device.
• The cover sheet has a place to say that the record was filled in with help, and who helped.

While you help

• Your parent chooses where to start. The parts can be opened in any order.
• Any question can be skipped, or answered with "I do not know yet" or "Does not apply".
• Type your parent's words, not your own.
• Stop when your parent wishes to. "Stop for today" is on every step, and no message asks anyone to continue.
• Only your parent marks a part as done. The tool does not judge whether a part is finished.
• The record has no place for a password, a PIN or a full account number. It asks where such things are kept and who can reach them.

What the record does not do

It gives nobody authority over your parent's money, property or care. It holds no balances and no amounts.

It is not the place to say who receives money or property. For that, your parent can see their own attorney.

It has no place for choices about medical treatment. Those belong with your parent and their own doctor.

If your parent does not want to

Then it can wait. Nothing in the tool is timed, and nothing is lost from it by waiting.

Your parent may wish to do one small part, or none. Either is their decision.

The National Institute on Aging notes that a person does not have to discuss their personal affairs in order to tell someone they trust where their papers are. Your parent can keep the details private and still say where to look.

Some people would rather write by hand, on their own. Any part of the record can be printed as a blank form.

Speaking with a doctor or a lawyer

The National Institute on Aging says a person can give permission in advance for a doctor or a lawyer to talk with their caregiver, and that a form may have to be signed and returned.

It says this is different from naming a health care proxy. A health care proxy can make decisions only if the person is unable to communicate them.

Whether to give that permission is your parent's decision. The record does not give it.

If your parent can no longer take part

Then what you write is not your parent's record. It is your own record of what you found. You can mark it as yours.

Notes like these give you no authority to act for your parent. An attorney can tell you what authority you have.

Rules differ by state and country. For a will, a power of attorney or an advance directive, see your own attorney and your state's official sources.

Questions about your care belong with your own doctor. You can stop at any time. If you are in distress, call or text 988 in the United States, or your local emergency number.

Sources

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